Free Writing: A Walk in My Pathetic Shoes

I thought I would try a suggestion made by Matt and do some free writing. He said just write whatever you are thinking and at least then you have written something.

So, 20 minutes on the clock: here goes.

I already know I am going to title this A Walk in My Pathetic Shoes. I am being dramatic, I know.

I thought I would share with you a day in the life of me, currently. This has not always been the way it is now.

I Always wake up before my alarm, because I have two particularly noisy birds and struggle to open my eyes. Although I think this is common practice. I have been going to bed late, because I am trying to disassociate being in bed as being awake. Usually I would just lay in bed and look on my phone or read for hours before I could fall asleep. These days I wait up until I am tired and quite often, I fall asleep right away once I actually make it to bed.

Night terrors are a common friend these days. As far as I know, every night I dream. I remember them a large percentage of the time. Sometimes I act out in my sleep, sitting up, talking etc. I hardly remember when this happens, but my other half has to witness it.

I have already gone on a tangent, my apologies!

So, after any amount of time, I muster up the energy to do the old morning routine.

A lot of mornings I forget to eat and I stupidly do not consume water. Any type of consumption happens in the afternoon. I know this is not good and is something I am working on. At the least, I try to drink water. The thought of eating often makes me feel queasy, so I tend to forgo it.

By the time I am ready for my day, my mind has decided whether or not I am going to be able to cope or not. Recently, it has just given up on me and I swear it is intending to work against me. If I could detach my head from my body and drop kick it off a balcony for a short while, I would love that. I need a break from myself.

The next step in the day is to make it out of the front door to my job. This usually involves me taking deep breaths To prepared for the walk I take five days a week. I often question why the hell I am nervous about nothing. Apparently I do not possess the answer though. Yesterday, for no reason, I burst into tears right before I left the house and had to wear sunglasses on my walk. I wanted to be as invisible as possible. Although, in hindsight, wearing sunglasses in the snow is quite conspicuous.

I make my walk. Often I get caught in what of thoughts and I have to hold back tears. For some reason I am on the verge of tears a lot. I have no idea why.

It is quite heavy with snow outside and I have to be careful where I tread. Sometimes I congratulate myself on walking normally and not slipping over. The second I think about how I am walking, I begin to walk like Bambi, fresh from the womb. Like I forget how to walk. Why? I do not know.

I seem to be setting myself up for failure these days.

I mentioned I have my first doctors appointment next week. Well, that is now a common thought in my brain. Multiple times per day I am running the scenario through my head. It is quite consuming and again, I do not know why I do it.

I do my job, it can go any way on any day. I get home and then I think about (not do) the chores I need to complete before the my other half returns from work. (He works way more than I do and it is the least I can do to welcome him to a clean and tidy home).

During the time of me being home from my job and my partner returning from his, it becomes a blur. I get lost in thought and by the time I realise, time has been and gone. I quickly rush to make the house look presentable and then return to thinking about nothing and everything.

Sometimes I watch television, but it is difficult to concentrate on anything. I am constantly distracting myself with two or three things at once. I would love to be able to sit and read.

Being home is not a relaxing atmosphere at the moment. I do not know if my hearing is sensitive or it is just me, but any outside noise bothers me immensely. I cannot sit and enjoy silence, because I do not get the chance to experience it. There is always noise and this bothers me more than it should. On occasion this infuriates me.

Once my boyfriend arrives home, it is roulette for him what mood he will find me in and I really feel for him. I try and put on a brave face when often I feel like trash and I just want to sleep. He assures me this is my true, but I worry that if he comes home and I tell him that I am not feeling well (again), he will be fed up of hearing it and so I simply say I am fine.

During the evening, we either do something together like play a game or watch a show, or we do our own thing. Either is good with me. When I am feeling myself, these activities are wonderful. We also used to go out for dinner quite often and that was nice. I just cannot bring myself to look forward to such things at the moment. We have yet to celebrate our two year anniversary because I constant feel like crap. I do not know why he is with me.

I hope this passes. It is horrible and being consumed in one’s own head on a constant basis, well, I would not wish it on anybody.

One day I hope to just snap out of it. I am beginning to forget how it feels to be me and whatever this is is replacing who I once was.

There goes the timer. 20 minutes went by very quickly.

Thank you to Matt for the suggestion and if you read the drivel I just wrote, I apologise.

Until next time, (insert something here)

-Sara


 

Artwork By: Jaime Zollars

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13 thoughts on “Free Writing: A Walk in My Pathetic Shoes

  1. Laura Beth says:

    I want to give you the biggest hug! I loved this post. I feel like I know you through this. I think you are incredibly brave, courageous, and strong. I sincerely hope that your doctor’s appointment goes well. I want to try a free writing exercise like this soon. I’m also starting to journal again, and I’m looking forward to it.

    Like

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