Restrictions

Hello friends,

Today I find myself in a bit of a bind. My unwelcome acquaintance, Anxiety has decided to pay me a visit. As soon as I start to feel fearless in simple everyday life, anxiety pops round uninvited to remind me that it is not that easy.

It is difficult to accept that I can not do “normal” every day things sometimes, it is not everything, it seems to be quite random. Today for instance I can not go swimming. Why? I have no idea why! I am just restricted to doing activities on the odd occasion because my anxiety says so.  Sometimes I am so restricted that I can not even enjoy a mere thought of something, instead it becomes terrifying. In all honesty this makes me feel pathetic, I can not just go and do something that is supposed to be enjoyable.

I am currently stuck between a rock and a hard place and this is where I put myself. I have anxiety because I am forcing myself to go and I have anxiety because I can not just speak up and say I do not want to go for fear of being disappointing. So this inevitably adds more pressure and I have gotten myself into a hot mess. Pretty silly for such a small task, right?

If I could wave a magic wand and chance one thing about myself instantly, without a shadow of a doubt it would be this. I have spoken before about missing out on opportunities because of this anxiety and every time I think I have solved the case, I end up being stumped as to why it is happening again.

I should have just been open and said that I am not ready to go, but I honestly wanted to try and get over it so I could do it instead of looking pathetic. I waste so much time when I am like this, because it is easier to pass the time hiding away than being open about it, which thinking about that as I type this is equally pathetic.

With that being said I do a lot more now than my restrictions allowed me to do previously, so I suppose all I can do now is be open and appreciate that although it is a slow process, I am improving. Today just is not my day and I feel pretty sad about it and rather silly to be sharing this too, but I can not pretend things are good all the time. I also do not think it is right to only show one side of me that paints an unrealistic picture. So this is me today, dizzy, nauseous and a little bit stuck. I do hope with time the restrictions will lift further so I can feel what it is like to have a normal life.

I apologise for the gloomy blog entry, to make it up to you for getting this far, here is a picture of a waving hedgehog I found on the internet.

cute-animals-waving-hello-1

Until next time, take care.

-Sara

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116 thoughts on “Restrictions

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  1. Sending love and hugs. I know how crippling anxiety can be, but can’t say ‘i know how you feel’ as everyone manifests and feels anxiety differently.

    Just know that you’re not being daft, pathetic or silly, anxiety is bigger than all of us. There is always tomorrow, and making it through every day and getting out of bed is an achievement x I’m glad that you’ve shared this with us, you’re not alone and you have all of our support x

    Stay strong, my dear x

    TDF x

    Liked by 3 people

  2. For me anxiety has become a routine of my life as we eat the food daily to get the energy in the same way I feel anxiety before doing any work. I also want to go over it but one thing or the other thing happens in my life just like a spelling effect of a magical wand to throw me in the bottom of anxiety.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am sorry that it affects you on such a regular basis. One thing I can say is that if you work at it, it will reduce. I can’t say it will ever go away, because mine always finds a way to surprise me, but it wonderful to have a break from it. I wish you all the best and hope it gets easier for you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. There is absolutely no need to feel silly for sharing this. I can feel you. Anxiety keeps visiting and I too feel the restrictions. To be honest yesterday was that day. What’s great is that you and me can openly talk about it. We are in this together. Lots of love.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It is when I put things into perspective. Such as I flew across Europe to live in a new country where I don’t even speak the language, compared to not being able to go and splash in a pool. It makes me feel silly.

      I am glad that you got past your bout of anxiety, it is quite a nice feeling, the calm after the storm.

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  4. I feel for you! I’ve always said if I could have a magic wand, anxiety would be the first thing I would make disappear. Important thing is to not push yourself, I’m currently convincing myself to not have anxiety. Forcing positive thoughts work and when you are having a more fearless day get out and be fearless. Take each step at your own pace. Jo xx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Thank you, Sara This reminds me of how I attempt to avoid or push the negative feeling away, instead of embracing them and inviting them in, as they do just come and go seemingly at random. I just read a post this morning on this very subject. looked for it couldn’t find it…I have been observing and enjoying the change in season and now with the snowfall yesterday I am freaked out and resistant to the inevitable

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  6. Hang in there, I’ve found myself paralyzed with anxiety or depression (sometimes both) on occasion as well. I don’t suspect it will ever go away entirely but I’m building some good coping skills through SMART recovery. One of the tools is USA or unconditional self acceptance and I’ve been working on that more and more. Sometimes it’s just easier to “awfulize” rather than get up and do. It’s been these times that I have turned to my journal and my blog.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Hope the rest of the weekend has improved a bit. Very hot here today. Over 30°C. Pax con has been on all weekend. Wasn’t on my agenda. The pulled out for some reason.
        Hope you’re playing some good games

        Liked by 1 person

      2. 3 episodes to go. Not bad. Still going through season 5 of SG1. Will have to post on ageoftaurus soon. A few developments… + as uranus in aries is ending and he goes into taurus for the next ~6 years… we should see a few global affairs and themes gentle down a bit

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi Sara.
    Love your waving hedgehog.
    As for anxiety, thankyou for sharing your experience with us. You’re not the only one who goes through this, and youve helped me by sharing. Some days my anxiety is higher than others. Today it’s enough for me to go and buy essentials and come straight home. I’d like to go and do some photography but I can’t today. Reading your post helped me clarify that it’s OK not to go beyond today’s limits.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. You use words such as “pathetic” “silly” but those words come from you and possibly no one else. Anxiety has it roots and sometimes cutting the persistent weed is not enough, you have to dig out the roots. Anxiety is a symptom and not the cause. I manage mine by changing the conversation in my head and reminding myself that how I see things is not necessarily how it is. You can say “no, I don’t want to do that right now” and it doesn’t make you pathetic or silly, it makes you in charge of your own life and that is a positive thing. May your day flows better ((hug))

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Writing your feelings and thoughts is quite therapeutic. I’ve been there. I’ve done that, too. I hope in time ‘all’ gets better. Love yourself! You definitely have a lot to offer. Wish you all life’s best in the future ahead.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Anxiety frigging sucks but if you need to take time to just keep to yourself then thats okay, if its necessary and makes you feel better than it is worth it in the end, remember you have plenty of people around you ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  11. It is not a rational thing is it Sara. I have had panic and anxiety all my life. If wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my early 30’s because I hid it, didn’t talk about it, felt crazy, pathetic, you name it, I felt it. I pushed through until my body said no more and just gave up. For the first time in my life I was told what I was feeling was anxiety attacks, and then of course the random panic attack, and that 130 plus beats a minute isn’t normal hahaha. One would think no one would have to tell me that but the irrational nature of it makes it hard to get a grasp on. In the past 2 months it has hit me with a vengeance. Days where my heart rate is 132 to 140 beats ALL day. Scared to death all the time. Last Friday I broke. Mentally, physically I just couldn’t take it. But today a week later is it getting better. I had a heart rate of 74 beats a minute for days, although it has gotten up to 100-104 but that I can deal with :):) The only blessing for me is that everyone around me knows, I will not push through and do things when I just can’t. I say “no” without guilt. It helps a lot. Praying you will feel “normal” soon. Thank you for being brave enough to shine a light. You are helping more people than you realize.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I’ve had anxiety since I was a child, and I definitely know that it is a challenge to do even the small things. Anxiety has become a routine for me. I wish I could be of help, but take one day at a time, be fearless, take time for yourself, and don’t feel silly for sharing your thoughts! Take care. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  13. Stay strong, Sara. Thanks for your transparency. 🙂 I suffer from anxiety as well. I get anxious over little things and say forget it.

    For instance, I can relate to not wanting to swim too or do fun activities because depression sinks in.

    I have what they call Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so I can get upset over a pen dropping or the looming reports of the weather channel because of this condition. This condition means I get upset over a variety of things. But that’s just me.

    I so relate to a lot of what you are saying. Keep your head held high. :hug:

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I also avoided something yesterday because of anxiety (social anxiety in my case). Today, OTOH, I forced myself to do something that I was socially anxious about and thought I wouldn’t enjoy much. I got through it, but I didn’t enjoy it much after all, as I expected. I’m still not sure whether I made the right decision for either of those things.

    I’ve been told social anxiety should be confronted and if it is confronted, it gets better, but my experience is that the change is very slow and minor. I’m beginning to feel there are deeper internal conflicts fuelling the social anxiety that I need to address with my therapist.

    Anyway, I don’t think you need to apologise for posting this; it’s your blog and this is where you are today!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think you are right about the deeper meaning and processes being slow. There are times I force myself to do things and I enjoy them and there are times I force them and I hate it and can’t wait to go home. It is a big ol’ pain in the butt never knowing how it is going to turn out.

      Like

  15. Anxiety has restricted from doing a lot of things e.g. going to certain stores, taking certain roads, even saying or hearing certain words or numbers can increase anxiety.
    I live my life very cautiously avoiding those things.
    I hope Scandanivia can take away some of yours since the mentality is pretty laid back. It certainly did for me when I lived in Denmark 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Ah the ebb and flow of our days, and the unexpected ogre who is unwelcome. We let him stomp around for a bit, but if he gets close to the gate kick him out, hard on the butt. I hope tomorrow is better Sara!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Quite well sweet lady! But bracing myself for the return of winter, which started my first bout with anxiety last year when I slipped on ice. The test lies ahead during the coldest days of the season. Am ready to face the ogre head on 😐

        Liked by 1 person

  17. Excellent, I read it on the long tube journey from Hammersmith where I’d seen Lesley Sharp in Chekov’s The Seagull (I have a penchant for misery!) But the waving albino hedgehog melted my heart, thank you. TJD

    Liked by 2 people

  18. I think you are wonderfully brave to present you inner most thoughts the way you do. I wish I had such bravery.
    Remember, that all things are like the Number 7 Bus. If you miss it, sooner or later, they will come around again.Like being stuck in traffic, nothing will last forever. It too will pass. So, when you are feeling at your worst, you know that a better time will come again.
    Having said that, you, if you are self-aware, know that bad times too will come around. Knowing that they are coming helps us to get ready and better manage them when they arrive. Like the Number 7 Bus, get ready for it to come around, have your ticket ready, but know that you’ll be able to get off at some stage.
    My best wishes to you.
    Grant

    Liked by 2 people

  19. I can relate to the “nuisance” of anxiety (and depression, in my case)–the way it restricts us, as well as its randomness. You’re definitely not alone–some days it seems at least half the bloggers are in the anxious/depressed camps. I really appreciate the smiling hedgehog–wow, what a gift, eh?!! 🙂 I’d kind of like to share him/her, if you’d allow me to–I would of course link to your blog post properly. God bless you, Sara.

    Liked by 3 people

  20. This post is so interesting. I just opened up to my fiance about how I have been battling with anxiety. I explained to him my internal battles. Every since then, I have been trying to beat it as much as I can. When I catch myself slipping into an anxiety attack, I try to talk my self through it and get back to that positive place. It’s easier said than done but I have found that journaling my feelings and symptoms allows me to see it and see through it. Sending you hugs!!!! And thanks for stopping by my blog. Blessings.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It is nice to hear that you have been able to open up to your fiance. I am sure that’ll only lead to a stronger relationship in the long run. I think seeing in front of you the problems at hand can be effective and is something I should work on more often. Thank you for the reminder.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Anxiety is a nasty little creature isn’t it now? I too suffer from random attacks. For instance I have a young heifer I raised since she was three days old, this includes tube feeding and vetting for nearly 2 months. I cannot go in the pen with her, and run like the devil if she gets loose. some days just taking myself to the grocery store seems monumental. I try to tell myself its all in my head and to get over it, it just isn’t that easy is it?

    Liked by 2 people

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