I can’t think of a witty title

Hello one and all, I hope you are well.

It is week two of taking anxiety medication and until today they were working great. I have been calm and collected and have been told by others that I seem more relaxed. There is not more I could ask for than this.

It seems that my everyday anxiety can be controlled by taking three small pills everyday, so to me that is one small battle won.

They have proved though, to not be able to get me through a stressful situation or something that brings on the old emotions. Which is a shame, but I can not expect miracles. Today I took my maximum dosage and try as I might to let them help me, the anxiety broke through and it won.

There are many reasons why today has been stressful for me – hormonal changes, the end of an era, the realisation that the path I have chosen I will have to walk soon, that niggling feeling of worry in the back of my mind that I have been ignoring for a long time now. Trying not to worry about me messing everything up.

My usual stance is run. I have ran from every potentially scary situation which could either go great or terrible. I did not take the chance, I just fled. Fortunately for me, I deem these the right decisions every time. This time it is different. I am scared, but I am not at the same time. I do not know if this is because I have not given myself the chance to think about it, or there is just no reason this time to be scared. That in itself scares me!

My life is about to change in an abundance of ways and right now I am incapable of fathoming how big a deal this really is. I need to make sure my eyes are open, but are they?

I really just want what most people in this world want: a place to call home, somewhere I belong, a dash of happiness and a purpose. Chasing purpose is tiring and leads me towards the path of self destruction. I end up not caring about myself or anything I do and that is neither good for me nor anyone around me.

For now I have security, but I feel like I am in a prison. My happiness is standing there on the other side, in the sunshine with a hand outstretched beckoning me. The key to my prison door is in the lock, I have the choice to turn the key and leave whenever I want, but I just lay there staring at it. Why? If you could tell me I would be eternally grateful because I have no idea.

It is not all doom and gloom. Generally I am feeling better, albeit slightly under motivated, but I believe that can be rectified. I am working on a project with a friend of mine which is very exciting and I will be happy when I have more time to concentrate on it.

I am going to be giving this writing gig a real shot and see if I can produce something that is worth reading. If I wrote a book, would you want to read it?

I apologise for these recent blathering blogs. Normality (or as close as I get) will resume shortly.

Until next time, hug someone and tell them you love them.

-Sara

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97 thoughts on “I can’t think of a witty title

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  1. Hi Sara, I’m not sure what medication you take but in the past when my anxiety has won to the point of say heart palpitations I have tried Beta Blockers and they seemed quite useful and worked. I can’t comment on the longevity of use or how addictive they could be but I thought I would share that with you.
    I wish you strength in shedding your skin and embracing change.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think, after several discussions with people, that it goes something like this.

    When things are bad or anxious, they can only get better. So however terrible anxiety may be, at least it’s familiar, and it can only improve. But when things are good, it’s hard to enjoy them, because lingering at the back of the mind is the feeling that it will end soon. Makes happiness difficult to savor and experience with that ghost tapping the shoulder all the time. The trick is to realize that bad things are just as transient as good things, and both experiences are valuable. Live in the middle times, the average between the two. That’s where peace lies.

    I hope any of that makes sense to you and helps you. πŸ™‚ I virtually hug you and love you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Ward, it is great to hear from you. I completely agree with you that we should appreciate life from all angles and having that balance is what makes us do so. Great advice. Definitely a conversation worth learning from.

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  3. Your blog has a lot more followers than mine, so maybe you will have more sales success than I have, but speaking from experience with depression, be prepared to write a book and have very few sales. I am glad I wrote my books, and I really wanted to see if I could do it, but I can’t deny that with every book (I’m about to self publish my 5th) it is SUPER depressing when no one buys them, even people who are my pretty good friends. BUT I have learned a LOT from reading about fiction writing and from my critique group.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. To be honest at this point I will be writing for the joy of it and sharing my own world with others instead of keeping it to myself. The reason I would love to do it as a job is so I had more time to spend on it. I recently had two jobs and I just did not have the time for much else because I had other priorities or I was simply too tired. I think the more time I have the more of myself and my passion for writing could go into something that could be potentially decent. It is worth a try as least, I think. I understand what you are saying though. Not every piece of writing is going to be a success, there is just too much of it out there these days. I have a lot of research to do and it is not going to happen over night, but I am definitely going to try. I feel like the time is now.

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  4. Are you able to acknowledge the change, and that for some of us (myself included!), change causes anxiety – sometimes for weeks! Anxiety anticipates, so while you are anticipating a change it’s reasonable that you would experience anxiety above the usual. If I may make a suggestion, acknowledge the change in your life, acknowledge that it is causing you to experience a lot of anxiety, and acknowledge that this could be an AMAZING choice for you. Best wishes!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are right of course. I have been avoiding thinking about it in hopes to avoid feeling anxious about the whole thing, but it is happening and I should embrace it and look forward to it instead of hiding from my fears. Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Sara, thank you so much for sharing your most personal feelings! Those of us who have been through some of what you have described appreciate you putting your feelings into words! It is hard to get through and over your anxieties by putting your focus on them. Keeping your eye on the positive is better way to overcome anxiety. Perfectionistic tendencies can hold you back too.

    Try Baby steps! You might enjoy the movie “What about Bob”
    Chuck

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can relate so much to what you wrote here. I’m glad your medication is bringing you some relief… I also rely on anxiety meds on a daily basis. For me, sometimes I get even more anxious when I start to feel better and I can’t say for sure why that happens… I think it’s a combo of the fear that it won’t stay that way, that anxiety is going to be a constant, and the fear of feeling better. It is such a foreign concept to me that I don’t know what to do with it, and then I get scared/anxious all over again. I’m so familiar with discomfort, that it is comfortable and anything else feels wrong. It’s like I have to practice how to be happy/content. I’m not sure if that what was you were getting at, but hope it makes sense. Much love to you ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know exactly what you mean! I made a comment the other day which was morbid and really got to the person who I said it to. To me, that comment was normal because it is how I am used to feeling, to someone on the outside it was very disturbing. What we are used to is our normal and it is not always going to be the same as that person standing next to you. I totally understand what you are saying and thank you for sharing it.

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  7. I’m pleased to hear you’re doing better with the medication. One important thing I realised is that it’s ok to have a bad day, relapse, wobble (however you want you call it). Stressful situations still get to me but I gradually try to increase the time I’m exposed to them to hopefully get used to the feeling again.
    Be kind to yourself and keep writing xx

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  8. *hug* for you. Whilst it would seem inappropriate to tell you I love you, I do admire the journey of discovery you’re on and the way you seem to be inching ever closer to your own personal goals. You may not realise it, but reading your posts offers inspiration and hope. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Have you ever tried meditation? I am at a point in my life that is quite stressful but my daily practice is keeping me anchored and unperturbed. I have been doing this for several months now and people around me noticed the way I changed for the better. Lol!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m glad the meds are helping for the most part. It can take quite a few weeks for them to work 100%. Hang in there. I’ve been on meds for years and still sometimes I get anxious, but it’s a lot milder than it used to be. Thinking of you ❀️

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  11. Very nicely done! This was a few minute read on a blog and I just don’t happen to have “Psycho” in my job title. In another place, there are lots of people who do on my contact list.

    The question that I ask after reading is, “Are you afraid to fail?”.

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  12. My medication for anxiety is similar – it helps the base-line but not when something strikes and it goes above and beyond. But in some ways it gives me a back up in that I get a little bit of respite through the general days xxx

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  13. What med/s are you taking (if you’re comfortable sharing that)? Depending on the med it can take a number of weeks for the half-life to build up in your system and really get the full effect working. Also, some anti-anxiety meds are for the day-to-day and others are fast-acting for the major stressors (ie. a panic attack, etc). Glad to hear it’s helping to some degree πŸ˜ƒ

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Sometimes, anxiety wins. It happens. For me, the most memorable one was around this time last year – Something at work set me off, and I freaked out in front of both my manager and department director. I needed about 20 minutes to get out of my office and calm down. That said, I’m fortunate to be able to manage my anxiety without medication. I’m happy that you are figuring out your meds and dosages. I hope the meds continue to work for you. Also, if you wrote a book, I would definitely read it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Laura, it is great that you have managed to find a way to cope without medication. That was what I was trying to do for so long but I just couldn’t stand the feeling of “getting there” anymore. The constant feel of nausea and the underlying feel of worry always there waiting to go off like a ticking time bomb. I hope that one day you find a way of not needing those 20 minutes so you don’t have to feel that way at all.

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  15. I like the title: “I can’t think of a witty title”. I enjoyed the feeling when I was taking lorazepam; I always wondered if this is what “normal” people feel like all the time.. Anxiety just went away. It is sad that these young puppy doctors feel so miserly with their mental health care drugs these days. Still, that war of the good (positive) voices and the bad (negative) voices has to be managed some how. Breathing and relaxation techniques, meditation, and ritual magick only get you so far in conflict situations. I just try to limit those as much as possible. I firmly believe in the Monty Python and the Holy Grail line “Run away!” (smile) Healing is a journey I guess, hang in there you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are right, healing is a journey and everybody’s journey is different. It is great that we can cross others on our own path and we can relate to them and gather inspiration or even inspire in return. I think normal is overrated but I know what you mean. I felt the same when I started taking my medication. Being grounded is a great “normal” feeling though.

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  16. Just my experience is first anxiety doesn’t cause fght or flight, but rather fight flight or feeze, I usually choose the freeze option (like a rabbit that sits perfectly still if danger is sensed). This means rather than go out the door and run away or run towards, I just freeze in my apartment (or if i am in a job interview etc).

    When I first started taking anxiety meds, I was put on clozepam, which basically doped me up, No anxiety, but I wasn’t able to do much (like writing). So I started taking less and less so I could write and what not, and eventually the mania-anxiety told me i didn’t need to take any meds. And down the rabbit hole i went.

    Now I am Gabapentin, which doesn’t sedate me, but I still endure anxiety when I leave my safe bubble or when there is a major stress waiting for me out there. But at least I don’t live in a panic attack 24/7, waking up in fight, flight or freeze mode and ending my day the same way.

    One of the key truggers for a panic attack for me at least is panicking that I will have a panic attack. I am so used to a life of these attacks that I look at every mild sign (relatively speaking) of anxiety as a sign that a major attack is on the way. Self-fullfilling prophecy. As my therapist will say I look through anxiety goggles and that everyone experiences anxiety and stress. That doesn’t make coping much better but it is something.

    All the best

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would hate to have the constant feeling of sedation, I understand why you chose to lower the dosage on those meds. That’s what I was scared of and avoided getting help because of. Luckily the ones I take, I feel normal, they just seem to slow everything down which is what I really needed. I have only had one episode since I have been taking them, which I would say is a massive improvement. I am sorry you suffer so badly. I hope that one day you will find a balance that is perfect or as near to as possible.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks. Things are getting better. If I can stop slipping into self-medication and staying sober is the main challenge at the moment (77 days of continous sobriety and counting). Talk therapy is going really well, too. Much to process after decades of meltdowns. All the best to you on your path forward as well.

        Liked by 1 person

  17. I remember when I started on medication. I was sceptical to say the least. But it works wonders, and I plenty of people noticed a change in me almost immediately. I’m glad you settled well; that is often the trickiest part.
    Now go and give your demons absolutely hell πŸ‘Ώ

    Liked by 1 person

  18. You know what I do when I can’t think of a witty title ?? Blamblippityboo ! I make up words !!! I might have read too much Roald Dahl as a kid, or it could have been the Spike Milligan !!!
    I could say to you “don’t be scared”, and hey, why not say it? But as we all know, some things are easier said than done. Med’s do help, when you get that first little whiff of what “normality” feels like when you have been experiencing your regular “normality” for a long time, it’s invigorating. It can be overwhelming too. The meds won’t always stop everything, unless you want to be on a dosage that leaves you catatonic and dribbling in the corner, and that is not a better existence than what you experience without them. It is always a tightrope walk. I am on just enough to manage the usual stuff, but when the unusual stuff happens, I fall off the rope, but the meds either stop you falling to the ground or soften the fall. I am currently suffering from heightened anxiety again, not happy about it, but hey, it happens. It will pass. I have a few conditions that require meds, anxiety, bipolar, and chronic pain, luckily the one drug keeps the anxiety and bipolar fairly well under control, and I take several things for the pain. Every now and then I take myself off the pain meds just to remind me how much they help, and that even though I feel like a pill popper, it is much better that way than it would be without them.
    It’s easy also to say don’t be scared of failure, I mean failure is how we learn. When we learn to walk, we get up, fall over. We get up again, fall over. Then we get up and take a few steps. Then we probably fall over again, but eventually after all those failures, we walk. But it is also a very natural thing to be scared of failure, nobody WANTS to fail. But if we let that stand in the way, if we let our fear of failure override our desire to give it a go, then we never do anything. Imagine how restricting it would feel if you gave up trying to walk after falling down for the first time ?
    Look, I need to listen to that advice as much as you do !! Being a creative soul is a hard path to walk, but soooo rewarding. What could be more rewarding than being able to express yourself in a way others can’t ? BTW, I would read your book, I mean, I read your blog, and thoroughly enjoy that !!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, powerful stuff. I can agree with what you are saying. The fact is I have failed in these areas before which is why I do fear that it will happen again and if it did happen again I will feel I did not learn from failing the first time. So I am at a catch 22 in that sense. I mean it could all go perfectly well too, that is a possibility right? I just have to bite the bullet at this point.

      You are right by the way, you really should listen to your own advice. It is good advice at that. From what you have just said you understand yourself very well and only need a few tweaks or that moment of clarity to come back to yourself. I hope you get there and thank you for sharing with me.

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