It’s me again, are you fed up of me yet?
This is my 85th post and I am astonished that I have gotten this far. This is the most consistent I have ever been in my entire life. My blog is around 6 months old now and over this period I have learnt so much about myself and what I want in life. I am still striving to be a better version of myself and I believe that will always be the case, not that I think this is a bad thing. I love learning in any form and I would like to continue doing so whether it be on a personal level, random subjects, anything that my brain can accommodate.
Thinking back, I can not recall exactly why I started blogging and at this point I think it matters not. I enjoy writing greatly and even when I blog about subjects that are not so colourful, I still gain something positive from it. These blank screens I have filled with my words and ramblings have become a great form of therapy.
I honestly and truly am still baffled how I have come to connect with so many wonderful and supportive people. I have never known a corner of the internet to be so human. There are no popularity contests, nobody trying to be the cool kid, trying to get a few laughs out of others by being mean, it is a place of warmth and comfort to me.
I never thought so before, but gaining the perspective of others is crucial to me in terms of learning. Although I do not agree with everything every single person voices, I still respect their views and opinions and am grateful that they take the time to share them with me. I do not feel the need for debate, I still believe what they say should be taken into consideration. This person I am describing myself as currently is not who I was a year ago. Back then I was cynical, ignorant and careless to anybody and anything. I had no care for life in general, let alone the opinions of “strangers”. I was in such a dark place that I found it comforting just laying there in the shadows waiting for the days to pass, hoping to feel at least half human that day, failing to gain the feeling and repeating. I remember I would not leave the house for weeks and it never crossed my mind to be concerned about it. I would happily be unhappy, laying there day after day, curtains closed, forgetting what the sky looked like and having not caring about that fact.
For years I lived with the mindset “nobody cares about me, so why should I care about them, or anything for that matter?”
I do not know what led me to realise that this long lasting thought was beyond ridiculous, but it without a doubt was. Of course people cared, I just never gave them the chance. I was so closed off and dismissive that even if somebody wanted to show they gave a damn they would not have been given the opportunity to do so.
Looking back, I could regret so much time I have wasted. I let years pass me by staring at four walls with zero awareness of what life I could be leading instead. I do not dwell though, instead I look back as a reminder that the choices I made then are not the ones I have to make today and today I am going to live and today I do.
I lived in the States for three years and a lot of people exclaim how awesome it must have been doing so. What they do not know is that I spent most of my time there staring at a different set of four walls than I did when I was home in the UK. It was the same me, in a different place. It could have been amazing, I could have had life changing experiences and I could have made a life for myself out there. It was hard enough to be encouraged to get out of bed and get dressed for a simple trip to the grocery store. For obvious reasons it did not work out there. In the end it did not feel like home. Again I could regret how I spent my time there, but I believe that to be pointless.
So this is my 85th post and I want to thank you again for sticking by me, being supportive and kind, offering genuine advice, being able to relate, everything. Thank you for letting this space be mine and allowing me to post freely without judgement or harsh criticism.
The future is now and I have a lot of plans to make up for lost time. I now have goals and aspirations.
Until next time, thank you for taking this journey with me.