Determined

For so long in my life I have been used to having things just out of reach. I have been used to obstacles. I have been used to waiting. I have been used to never knowing when I was going to get somewhere. Now, my life is finally in reach, it is right there in front of me, the happiness I have been pursuing for what seems a lifetime, the feeling of finally belonging, that place to call home. 

It’s right there, it is so close, so why am I scared? Have I become complacent with waiting? Am I so used to the planning and the goals that I never thought I would actually get here? Am I afraid that I will sabotage it and have to start all over again? Do I fear being alone?

Why are these the questions I ask myself? Why is this how I feel when any “normal” person would be excited, running home to pack their bags to start the journey called life? 

I can categorically say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I finally feel truly cared about and loved. I finally think I have figured out a balance for my mental health. I finally believe in myself. I think I am most concerned that this will be self sabotage. For once I have no trust issues, maybe apart from trusting myself. Am I capable? Well, I have to be. 

Five years ago I ran a half marathon in Paris. I had not trained for it and finally the big race day came. I had no idea what I was doing, I just ran. I ran until my knee became injured. By this point my friends had gone on ahead without me and I was alone, in Paris. No idea what on earth I was doing. I had two choices: keep going, or get on the bus that picked up all the injured and those left behind. One thing I knew, I was not getting on that bus! All I could do is say to myself “this is it, it is not a practice, it is the real thing.” “It is now or never, so get moving!” I hobbled for about 7 miles, but I did it, I crossed that finish line. I collected my medal and I proved to myself that I could do it. 

This is like how I feel now. I am not prepared, I never really am if I am to be  honest with myself. But I am in the race right now, it is happening and it is now or never. Do I know where I am going? No. Do I know how I am going to get there? No. What I do know is that I have waited so long for this and there is no reason why it can not be the greatest experience of my life. It is time to leave the old me behind. Take what I have learned and be the strong, courageous person I long to be. 

The time is now, I just have to know that I can do it. 

Until next time, stay determined. 

-Sara 

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58 thoughts on “Determined

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  1. Feels so relatable! I felt like I gone Numb just after I was so happy. I constantly getting scared that I’ll screw up the perfect opportunity I’m having. But either way, we are in this life for the experience, so don’t worry about sabotaging yourself, just go on!
    It’s mostly like I’m giving myself some advice, your writing was inspiring!
    Well done on that marathon!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Yeah it’s true. I ran it for my 25th birthday as a kind of milestone. I had a bad knee though, so it was particularly difficult. As soon as I crossed the finish line, I fell to the ground and they had to carry me off on a stretcher! I was a little embarrassed. Hehe.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I like how you put “normal” in quotation marks. I’ve so gotten tired of comparing my reactions and feelings to what is considered normal, because no one and nothing is normal and even if there is a normal out there I much rather be the crazy one. Just reading your post it sounds to me you’re already that strong and courageous person..good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hello Sarah, before I started praying it made me to read through and write an answer. Usually I don’t do anything before praying other than having my coffee !!!
    First thing you need to do is to, “Do away with the thought that you are not normal” !!! I have thought about it much. Why is it that when people become mentally ill they are not normal and those, even when they get other chronic physical illnesses are normal ? The mind is also in the body in the head somewhere. All sicknesses are both body and mind !!!
    The next thing is, we cannot plan our lives. You can think of it as a race now that you have gone through one. But life is such when you jump through one hurdle, the next one does come along sooner or later. These are challenges to make us stronger and go to that next level. Which, “Now you have come to that next level” 🙂
    Do NOT think of negative words. Everyone comes to endings, not only those who have/had mental issues. As I said we cannot plan, But what we can do is to, “Make use of the past experiences to know how to do better in the next chapter” This is called, “Wisdom” that comes with, “Experience, Knowledge and Time” 🙂
    You have been prepared. Unknowingly, You have your bags fully packed with, “All what the past experiences have taught you” This is what is going to help you through in your next chapter. You did not think of this did you 🙂
    Have Full Faith and step out with Confidence. You have better training and fit to run the next race full on. You have given me a topic for another article too. Now I am going to pray and my prayers are with you. Have full Faith in prayer Blessings too. The Very Best of Luck fro me 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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