For so long in my life I have been used to having things just out of reach. I have been used to obstacles. I have been used to waiting. I have been used to never knowing when I was going to get somewhere. Now, my life is finally in reach, it is right there in front of me, the happiness I have been pursuing for what seems a lifetime, the feeling of finally belonging, that place to call home.
It’s right there, it is so close, so why am I scared? Have I become complacent with waiting? Am I so used to the planning and the goals that I never thought I would actually get here? Am I afraid that I will sabotage it and have to start all over again? Do I fear being alone?
Why are these the questions I ask myself? Why is this how I feel when any “normal” person would be excited, running home to pack their bags to start the journey called life?
I can categorically say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I finally feel truly cared about and loved. I finally think I have figured out a balance for my mental health. I finally believe in myself. I think I am most concerned that this will be self sabotage. For once I have no trust issues, maybe apart from trusting myself. Am I capable? Well, I have to be.
Five years ago I ran a half marathon in Paris. I had not trained for it and finally the big race day came. I had no idea what I was doing, I just ran. I ran until my knee became injured. By this point my friends had gone on ahead without me and I was alone, in Paris. No idea what on earth I was doing. I had two choices: keep going, or get on the bus that picked up all the injured and those left behind. One thing I knew, I was not getting on that bus! All I could do is say to myself “this is it, it is not a practice, it is the real thing.” “It is now or never, so get moving!” I hobbled for about 7 miles, but I did it, I crossed that finish line. I collected my medal and I proved to myself that I could do it.
This is like how I feel now. I am not prepared, I never really am if I am to be honest with myself. But I am in the race right now, it is happening and it is now or never. Do I know where I am going? No. Do I know how I am going to get there? No. What I do know is that I have waited so long for this and there is no reason why it can not be the greatest experience of my life. It is time to leave the old me behind. Take what I have learned and be the strong, courageous person I long to be.
The time is now, I just have to know that I can do it.
Until next time, stay determined.